nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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