Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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