I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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