Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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