You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
