my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
