If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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