My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
