I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
