Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
