his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
