Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
