You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
