What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
