i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
