Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
