Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
