I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
