Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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