My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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