I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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