I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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