Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
