Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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