My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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