I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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