i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
