he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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