I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
