Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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