I want to have your abortion
i think my mom watched the whole time
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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