i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
