Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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