Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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