I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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