The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
