What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
