So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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