Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
