Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
