I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
