Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
