he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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