1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
