I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
