I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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