I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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