Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
