All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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