you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My bed smells like the plague
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