I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
