mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
