Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
