I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
